Finally Learning To Let Go

I am basically learning to let go of relationships that aren't working.

I am that person who usually holds on to EVERY SINGLE THING.
I hesitate before throwing away receipts. I have books from elementary school. I have all the letters, report cards, cards, pictures (that I haven't tragically lost yet. I still weep for those pics that have moved on to picture heaven), etc.

The whole process of letting things go started after graduation, I guess.
I finally threw away those pesky SAT books (even though after I threw them out, I started tutoring, of course. They could have been very useful -__-).
I finally threw away high school papers.
And I finally put an end to relationships that were either one sided or just not working out.

It takes me a lot to end friendships. But, I think i'm at that point in which I am trying to better myself constantly, and that task requires me to surround myself with good people who can guide me and support me. Some people were being shitty, and I got tired of waiting around for them to come around.

I think it's just damn time for me to say my goodbye's and move the fuck on with my life because I really deserve better.

Bye!

Reserved Optimism

Talking about my future has been one of the more uncomfortable topics recently.
Mostly because of the unsure nature of it.

But, that is not what this post is about (by the way, it is now allowed to finish your sentences with a preposition :p).

Jenn and I were talking about our future and how lost we are in our post-grad frenzy.
Even though we should be proud of our accomplishments, it is difficult to revel in that when other aspects of our lives are supposedly falling apart. An obvious exaggeration, but to us, it's just all a big shit-fest.

I am no more or less lost than other people of our generation. I have some stuff figured out, yet nothing is really figured out.

During our conversation, we got to the topic of optimism versus pessimism.
We have different views. Jenn is a person of idealism. She likes to dream and hope for the best. Such optimism brings on much pleasure and as much disappointment.
I am, what she calls, a pessimist. Even though I do agree to a certain extent, I must also disagree.
I was thinking more about it after our conversation ended, and I do not think I am a pessimist. If I were a pessimist, I wouldn't be the driven person I am today. I think I would have given up on things a long time ago. I don't expect the worst in things. I just don't expect a lot out of things. I think I am more realistic. Better yet, I think I am a reserved optimist. I approach things cautiously. But, I approach things. I approach things with much thought and enthusiasm. I don't go into things with a negative attitude.

I don't think being free of expectations automatically mean that I am expecting the worst.

I am protecting myself from extreme disappointment; but, at the same time, I am living life.

Strangely, I always just assume that everything will work out in my favor. I know that even if things do not work out in the most ideal way, it will be okay in the end. I would call that optimistic. Wouldn't you?

I am just cautious, and I don't express every single emotion I am feeling. I have always been a reserved person, unless I need to speak up or express. This aspect of my personality is one of my most valued characteristics in myself. It prevents me from hurting my loved ones' feelings. It makes my expressed feelings mean more. It helps me from becoming too overwhelmed by my feelings. It keeps me relatively in control of myself.

I think I will continue to be a reserved optimist.

Self-reflection TIME

I think I'm PMSing. lol
I'm feeling all kinds of emotions and can't sleep.
I was sleepy, but I refused to sleep to fulfill some orders for the business. And now I can't sleep.

I want to do all kinds of things.
Fun things, hard things, creative things, fabulous things, grunt things, all kinds of things.
I want to write a song.
I want to paint.
I want to shop 'til drop.
I want to be rich.
I want to travel.
I want to move out and live independently.
I want a fabulous job.
I want to not work.
I don't know what I want.

Every minute, every hour of the day, my thoughts and emotions take multiple rides on this fun rollercoaster of my life.

My life is full of polar opposites.

It's always been like that. But, it just doesn't get much easier, ever.

I love myself. I hate myself.
I appreciate my life. I hate everything my life represents.
I enjoy my friends. I resent them.
I spend money. I should save money.
I buy things. I return things.
I'm freakishly and annoyingly detail-oriented. I am fuckin' lazy.
I love and need my family. I can't deal with them, and they need me.
I want to punch some people in the face. I hate violence.
I can't wait for my next adventures. I just wish I am my "future self" already.
I love how I am still learning and growing into a better/worse person. I am sick of "learning."
I hate dealing with kids. I am a full time tutor.
I am a proud business owner. I don't feel accomplished.
I feel like a mature adult. I am still holding onto my inner kid.
I enjoy being there for people. I am a emotional wreck that needs a guide.
I am confident and don't mind being alone. I crave attention and praises.
I try not to judge. I talk shit and enjoy it.
I am sympathetic and overly empathetic. I am sick of people and their problems, as much as I am interested in them.

Basically, all in all, I am a mess.

But, a pat or ten in the back, because I have grown.

I stand up for myself.
I stand up for my loved ones.
I can speak for myself.
I am better at letting go.
I don't try to guard my feelings so much.
I am happier than I have ever been.
I am learning to be okay with other people's mistakes.
I am learning to take what is rightfully mine, at the same time.
I am less lazy.
I am working out more.
I am nicer to my parents.

I guess, most importantly, I am more responsible.

 So far, ever since graduation, my parents and I are learning to adjust.
I am learning to stop fighting their help, but at the same time help them understand that I am growing up and not be a bitch about it all.
They, hopefully, are learning to let me go and let me grow up and fully be the independent and capable person a part of them wished I would be.

Because I understand that I do have so much to appreciate for in my life, I truly am happier.

Even though I won't achieve all the things I want to and meant to achieve until later, I have faith that I will do well. I have faith that I will not let myself fail. Even if I fall, I will always pick myself up, cry a little, but dust off and move forward. I will not be ashamed to ask people for help. I think I was there enough for the people around me to maybe have them stay with me for a while.

I'm good.