Long Hiatus

So, my last post was last year March! hahaha

#fail.

So much has changed and I am so much more tired and ready to BE MY OWN BOSS!

As much as I appreciate structure and making a difference in a company, I truly deeply want to be in control of my life. As I get older, my happiness mostly stems from the ability to be myself. The self-conscious, approval-seeking little me still lives. But, honestly, I think I've kinda ignored her for the most part. Partly from being exhausted from commuting to LA from OC and just working and not sleeping well. Partly from just growing older and gaining somewhat of maturity.

I will unashamedly admit that a big part of my desperate wish to gain control of my life is to set my own work schedule. I am relatively lucky right now to have somewhat of a flexible work schedule. But, I want that 4 hour work week thing. I want to be able to travel whenever wherever (which also means financial freedom).

Another reason is to really taste the fruit of my labor. Working for a boss or a company just doesn't quite give me the same satisfaction. I selfishly wish for the day when I can support myself (paying rent, buying yummy food, traveling) through my projects.

Besides Spirit Ink, I'm starting another Education Tech project with friends, while I work part-time doing Marketing for a Startup, part-time tutoring, commuting 2-3 hours a day. And I will be collaborating with my best friend on a Advice blog for early twenties professionals. BF carefully suggests that I am spreading myself too thin, to which I obviously scream "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!" unreasonably. I do agree silently, but YOLO AMIRITE?

k GOTTA GO BE BUSY AND MAKING SOMETHING OUT OF MYSELF (SO I TELL MYSELF).

Reserved Optimism

Talking about my future has been one of the more uncomfortable topics recently.
Mostly because of the unsure nature of it.

But, that is not what this post is about (by the way, it is now allowed to finish your sentences with a preposition :p).

Jenn and I were talking about our future and how lost we are in our post-grad frenzy.
Even though we should be proud of our accomplishments, it is difficult to revel in that when other aspects of our lives are supposedly falling apart. An obvious exaggeration, but to us, it's just all a big shit-fest.

I am no more or less lost than other people of our generation. I have some stuff figured out, yet nothing is really figured out.

During our conversation, we got to the topic of optimism versus pessimism.
We have different views. Jenn is a person of idealism. She likes to dream and hope for the best. Such optimism brings on much pleasure and as much disappointment.
I am, what she calls, a pessimist. Even though I do agree to a certain extent, I must also disagree.
I was thinking more about it after our conversation ended, and I do not think I am a pessimist. If I were a pessimist, I wouldn't be the driven person I am today. I think I would have given up on things a long time ago. I don't expect the worst in things. I just don't expect a lot out of things. I think I am more realistic. Better yet, I think I am a reserved optimist. I approach things cautiously. But, I approach things. I approach things with much thought and enthusiasm. I don't go into things with a negative attitude.

I don't think being free of expectations automatically mean that I am expecting the worst.

I am protecting myself from extreme disappointment; but, at the same time, I am living life.

Strangely, I always just assume that everything will work out in my favor. I know that even if things do not work out in the most ideal way, it will be okay in the end. I would call that optimistic. Wouldn't you?

I am just cautious, and I don't express every single emotion I am feeling. I have always been a reserved person, unless I need to speak up or express. This aspect of my personality is one of my most valued characteristics in myself. It prevents me from hurting my loved ones' feelings. It makes my expressed feelings mean more. It helps me from becoming too overwhelmed by my feelings. It keeps me relatively in control of myself.

I think I will continue to be a reserved optimist.