Long Hiatus

So, my last post was last year March! hahaha

#fail.

So much has changed and I am so much more tired and ready to BE MY OWN BOSS!

As much as I appreciate structure and making a difference in a company, I truly deeply want to be in control of my life. As I get older, my happiness mostly stems from the ability to be myself. The self-conscious, approval-seeking little me still lives. But, honestly, I think I've kinda ignored her for the most part. Partly from being exhausted from commuting to LA from OC and just working and not sleeping well. Partly from just growing older and gaining somewhat of maturity.

I will unashamedly admit that a big part of my desperate wish to gain control of my life is to set my own work schedule. I am relatively lucky right now to have somewhat of a flexible work schedule. But, I want that 4 hour work week thing. I want to be able to travel whenever wherever (which also means financial freedom).

Another reason is to really taste the fruit of my labor. Working for a boss or a company just doesn't quite give me the same satisfaction. I selfishly wish for the day when I can support myself (paying rent, buying yummy food, traveling) through my projects.

Besides Spirit Ink, I'm starting another Education Tech project with friends, while I work part-time doing Marketing for a Startup, part-time tutoring, commuting 2-3 hours a day. And I will be collaborating with my best friend on a Advice blog for early twenties professionals. BF carefully suggests that I am spreading myself too thin, to which I obviously scream "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!" unreasonably. I do agree silently, but YOLO AMIRITE?

k GOTTA GO BE BUSY AND MAKING SOMETHING OUT OF MYSELF (SO I TELL MYSELF).

Finally Learning To Let Go

I am basically learning to let go of relationships that aren't working.

I am that person who usually holds on to EVERY SINGLE THING.
I hesitate before throwing away receipts. I have books from elementary school. I have all the letters, report cards, cards, pictures (that I haven't tragically lost yet. I still weep for those pics that have moved on to picture heaven), etc.

The whole process of letting things go started after graduation, I guess.
I finally threw away those pesky SAT books (even though after I threw them out, I started tutoring, of course. They could have been very useful -__-).
I finally threw away high school papers.
And I finally put an end to relationships that were either one sided or just not working out.

It takes me a lot to end friendships. But, I think i'm at that point in which I am trying to better myself constantly, and that task requires me to surround myself with good people who can guide me and support me. Some people were being shitty, and I got tired of waiting around for them to come around.

I think it's just damn time for me to say my goodbye's and move the fuck on with my life because I really deserve better.

Bye!

Reserved Optimism

Talking about my future has been one of the more uncomfortable topics recently.
Mostly because of the unsure nature of it.

But, that is not what this post is about (by the way, it is now allowed to finish your sentences with a preposition :p).

Jenn and I were talking about our future and how lost we are in our post-grad frenzy.
Even though we should be proud of our accomplishments, it is difficult to revel in that when other aspects of our lives are supposedly falling apart. An obvious exaggeration, but to us, it's just all a big shit-fest.

I am no more or less lost than other people of our generation. I have some stuff figured out, yet nothing is really figured out.

During our conversation, we got to the topic of optimism versus pessimism.
We have different views. Jenn is a person of idealism. She likes to dream and hope for the best. Such optimism brings on much pleasure and as much disappointment.
I am, what she calls, a pessimist. Even though I do agree to a certain extent, I must also disagree.
I was thinking more about it after our conversation ended, and I do not think I am a pessimist. If I were a pessimist, I wouldn't be the driven person I am today. I think I would have given up on things a long time ago. I don't expect the worst in things. I just don't expect a lot out of things. I think I am more realistic. Better yet, I think I am a reserved optimist. I approach things cautiously. But, I approach things. I approach things with much thought and enthusiasm. I don't go into things with a negative attitude.

I don't think being free of expectations automatically mean that I am expecting the worst.

I am protecting myself from extreme disappointment; but, at the same time, I am living life.

Strangely, I always just assume that everything will work out in my favor. I know that even if things do not work out in the most ideal way, it will be okay in the end. I would call that optimistic. Wouldn't you?

I am just cautious, and I don't express every single emotion I am feeling. I have always been a reserved person, unless I need to speak up or express. This aspect of my personality is one of my most valued characteristics in myself. It prevents me from hurting my loved ones' feelings. It makes my expressed feelings mean more. It helps me from becoming too overwhelmed by my feelings. It keeps me relatively in control of myself.

I think I will continue to be a reserved optimist.

Self-reflection TIME

I think I'm PMSing. lol
I'm feeling all kinds of emotions and can't sleep.
I was sleepy, but I refused to sleep to fulfill some orders for the business. And now I can't sleep.

I want to do all kinds of things.
Fun things, hard things, creative things, fabulous things, grunt things, all kinds of things.
I want to write a song.
I want to paint.
I want to shop 'til drop.
I want to be rich.
I want to travel.
I want to move out and live independently.
I want a fabulous job.
I want to not work.
I don't know what I want.

Every minute, every hour of the day, my thoughts and emotions take multiple rides on this fun rollercoaster of my life.

My life is full of polar opposites.

It's always been like that. But, it just doesn't get much easier, ever.

I love myself. I hate myself.
I appreciate my life. I hate everything my life represents.
I enjoy my friends. I resent them.
I spend money. I should save money.
I buy things. I return things.
I'm freakishly and annoyingly detail-oriented. I am fuckin' lazy.
I love and need my family. I can't deal with them, and they need me.
I want to punch some people in the face. I hate violence.
I can't wait for my next adventures. I just wish I am my "future self" already.
I love how I am still learning and growing into a better/worse person. I am sick of "learning."
I hate dealing with kids. I am a full time tutor.
I am a proud business owner. I don't feel accomplished.
I feel like a mature adult. I am still holding onto my inner kid.
I enjoy being there for people. I am a emotional wreck that needs a guide.
I am confident and don't mind being alone. I crave attention and praises.
I try not to judge. I talk shit and enjoy it.
I am sympathetic and overly empathetic. I am sick of people and their problems, as much as I am interested in them.

Basically, all in all, I am a mess.

But, a pat or ten in the back, because I have grown.

I stand up for myself.
I stand up for my loved ones.
I can speak for myself.
I am better at letting go.
I don't try to guard my feelings so much.
I am happier than I have ever been.
I am learning to be okay with other people's mistakes.
I am learning to take what is rightfully mine, at the same time.
I am less lazy.
I am working out more.
I am nicer to my parents.

I guess, most importantly, I am more responsible.

 So far, ever since graduation, my parents and I are learning to adjust.
I am learning to stop fighting their help, but at the same time help them understand that I am growing up and not be a bitch about it all.
They, hopefully, are learning to let me go and let me grow up and fully be the independent and capable person a part of them wished I would be.

Because I understand that I do have so much to appreciate for in my life, I truly am happier.

Even though I won't achieve all the things I want to and meant to achieve until later, I have faith that I will do well. I have faith that I will not let myself fail. Even if I fall, I will always pick myself up, cry a little, but dust off and move forward. I will not be ashamed to ask people for help. I think I was there enough for the people around me to maybe have them stay with me for a while.

I'm good.

Need: The Radical Self-Love Project

I think everyone at one point suffers from the absolute self loathing that's completely unwarranted and undeserved.

I doubt myself constantly.
 I don't love myself sometimes.
Even though I know I am capable of great things and deserve the best, I can't convince myself of that fact sometimes.

I think this project is amazing and so important.

I love TED talks. I think I'm going to try to actually do what she's talking about.

About me: Tall

I am quite tall for a girl.

To be exact, I am 5' 8.75".

So, practically 5' 9''.

I used to hate it growing up. I stood out. I looked like a giant. I was already feeling awkward, and the height didn't help. It was weird with boys since so surprisingly many of my guy friends are either as tall as me or slightly shorter. People always commented on my height. I didn't feel delicate or girly.

All of these things did not help during puberty. lol.

However, now I love it.

It separates me from the rest of tiny Asian girls. I stand out! My legs are long. Clothes don't look awkward on me. I don't feel like a little girl. And I have a little more room to eat since I'm a giant anyways and have a bit more room to spare. And since I have began to lose weight, I love how my clothes fit on me, and on good days, I feel like a JC Penny model lol. And now I just wear heels if I want to wear them, and do not give a fuck about how people may think i'm a godzilla.

Obviously, it's not my physical appearance that  changed.
I feel more comfortable in my skin as I grow up.
I still have more internal things to work out to really remember what makes me beautiful and that I am beautiful no matter what.

But, I no longer hunch and slouch in an effort to make myself look a bit smaller (which had the affect of making me look like a hunchback.. not attractive). I no longer look at other petite girls, just wishing that I could shrink somehow. I stretch regularly to let my body grow or whatever it wants to do (even though I doubt that I'd be growing at this point).

I'm proud and thankful that I am who I am and I look as I do.
Of course, there are so many things I still would love to wave a magic wand and change about myself physically. However, that doesn't mean i'm going to recklessly get plastic surgeries or go cry to myself.
Everything in moderation. lol
I'm not too proud or resentful.

I'm just glad to be me.

I'm glad that I'm the only me.

Content,

Hayon

Done: Have lunch with my fav. teacher!

So, when it comes to me, it is no secret that I love some of my teachers.
This is a well-known fact among my friends.

Most people think it's bizarre HAHA, and maybe it is! But I really don't give a rat's ass.

Anyways, I have the biggest teacher crush on my high school math teacher.
He is simply the best teacher ever!
He taught calc at my high school, and although I simply abhor the subject, I tried my best to never miss class (sidenote: I missed physics 16 times, according to my old report card. I neither cared for the subject nor the teacher lol).

He is so funny, sarcastic, surprisingly caring. He is a lot like House, the tv character.
I've visited him rather regularly since I graduated from high school, and he's been a good listener and almost like a mentor.
It feels as if he treats me like an equal since he tells me his life stories and all the crazy scandals that have happened at school since I left haha.

Anyways, he's mentioned that he took some of his past students out to lunch, and I jumped at the chance.
I called up two of my friends who love him as well, and a lunch date was decided!

We went to Wahoo's since he loves wahoos.
And he bought us lunch, which was very nice!

And we all talked for 2 hours. I mean since I update him pretty regularly, I didn't really have much to talk about. But, they all had a kick out of picking on me -__- lol as usual.

Overall, it was pretty surreal lol. It seemed crazy that I was having lunch with my high school teacher.
Hopefully, we can do it again!

Elated,

Hayon

About me: terrible titles

I don't know if it's noticeable or important, but I am terrible with titles.

I find that it's often easier to write the thesis statement than it is to write the title.

The title, to me, should be witty but not smartass (unless intentionally), precise but informative, relevant but not too in-depth.

does that make sense?

So, my titles are pretty terrible.
They are not witty nor precise.
It's more what you see is what you get kinda titles.

I will always be bad at coming up with decent titles. lol
OH WELL.

cest la vie,

Hayon

Random Thoughts: School

This whole not doing anything must be getting to my head, especially with the state of duress I have been under for ummm.. TOO LONG!

Because a moment ago, a thought popped into my head--that I want to go back to school. WTF?

I can justify this ridiculous (or genius??) notion with a few facts:

1. It is quite late. 1 AM right now.
2. I may be going insane.
3. I am constantly stressed these days.
4. I am going through my post grad freak out phase!
5. quarter-life crisis.
6. I actually miss school.
7. I actually enjoy learning. Just not exams and what nots.
8. I am bored out of my freakin mind.
9. All my TV shows are ending. So, I have nothing to do now..
10. I may be going insane. like.. seriously.
11. I AM SO BORED.
12. I do not have a legitimate career right now.
13. I hate not knowing what my next step is. As a student, I always knew.
14. I am just freaking out. no surprise here! hah
15. Masters/Ph.D. cap and gown are freakin awesome.
16. I like feeling smart... and actually getting smarter haha.

But, yea.  shit. I was pretty damn convinced until like an hour ago that I was DONE with education for a long time. But, maybe not?

I need more excitement in my life.

Slowly going insane,

Hayon

About me: Judge free?

So, I did go sang my heart out and relieved stress talking to my friend.

We talked for like 4-5 hours? haha

It was nice to just tell her all the inner dialogues I have been having and things I felt terrible about. Some about my future, some about myself, and some about uncontrollable external situations.

It's nice to just have someone who won't judge you. She jokes that it's because her situation isn't much better so why judge? But, I feel the same. Well, I do judge, but strictly to myself. hahah I try not to show the judgment unless it gets REALLY bad. But, even then, if it doesn't affect my life, I probably won't tell you.

I believe in Karma, and I believe in a need for a civil society where people are polite and nice to each other and save their judging to themselves.

Definitely not saying that I am higher than thou (unless I am taller because I am tall. HAHA. yea.. jk).

And I may just hate for no reason lol.

But, i'm just saying when it comes to my friends, I want full support because I'll be my worst critic and I really don't need another one. And I give back in return. It's not such a bad deal, in my opinion.

Feeling a bit defensive,

Hayon

About me: I'm terrible at grieving

I am a great listener.
I empathize too much usually.
I take a great pride in the fact that I am a good "therapist."

But, one thing I cannot deal with is death.

I just can't understand it. It doesn't register in my head.

I am overall not great at grieving or accepting loss.

I just push down the feeling? I usually just avoid talking about it.
It awkwards me out.

I hate it.

My mom's friend's passing.

I kept trying to justify it, but I guess I was just denying the fact?
I DON'T KNOW.

this overload of emotions is making me annoyed and sad.

I do not like it.

If that makes me immature, so be it.
I will never deal with grief well.
I don't want to deal with it well.
I wish I never have to deal with it personally.
knock on wood.

peeved,

Hayon