Long Hiatus

So, my last post was last year March! hahaha

#fail.

So much has changed and I am so much more tired and ready to BE MY OWN BOSS!

As much as I appreciate structure and making a difference in a company, I truly deeply want to be in control of my life. As I get older, my happiness mostly stems from the ability to be myself. The self-conscious, approval-seeking little me still lives. But, honestly, I think I've kinda ignored her for the most part. Partly from being exhausted from commuting to LA from OC and just working and not sleeping well. Partly from just growing older and gaining somewhat of maturity.

I will unashamedly admit that a big part of my desperate wish to gain control of my life is to set my own work schedule. I am relatively lucky right now to have somewhat of a flexible work schedule. But, I want that 4 hour work week thing. I want to be able to travel whenever wherever (which also means financial freedom).

Another reason is to really taste the fruit of my labor. Working for a boss or a company just doesn't quite give me the same satisfaction. I selfishly wish for the day when I can support myself (paying rent, buying yummy food, traveling) through my projects.

Besides Spirit Ink, I'm starting another Education Tech project with friends, while I work part-time doing Marketing for a Startup, part-time tutoring, commuting 2-3 hours a day. And I will be collaborating with my best friend on a Advice blog for early twenties professionals. BF carefully suggests that I am spreading myself too thin, to which I obviously scream "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!" unreasonably. I do agree silently, but YOLO AMIRITE?

k GOTTA GO BE BUSY AND MAKING SOMETHING OUT OF MYSELF (SO I TELL MYSELF).

Self-reflection TIME

I think I'm PMSing. lol
I'm feeling all kinds of emotions and can't sleep.
I was sleepy, but I refused to sleep to fulfill some orders for the business. And now I can't sleep.

I want to do all kinds of things.
Fun things, hard things, creative things, fabulous things, grunt things, all kinds of things.
I want to write a song.
I want to paint.
I want to shop 'til drop.
I want to be rich.
I want to travel.
I want to move out and live independently.
I want a fabulous job.
I want to not work.
I don't know what I want.

Every minute, every hour of the day, my thoughts and emotions take multiple rides on this fun rollercoaster of my life.

My life is full of polar opposites.

It's always been like that. But, it just doesn't get much easier, ever.

I love myself. I hate myself.
I appreciate my life. I hate everything my life represents.
I enjoy my friends. I resent them.
I spend money. I should save money.
I buy things. I return things.
I'm freakishly and annoyingly detail-oriented. I am fuckin' lazy.
I love and need my family. I can't deal with them, and they need me.
I want to punch some people in the face. I hate violence.
I can't wait for my next adventures. I just wish I am my "future self" already.
I love how I am still learning and growing into a better/worse person. I am sick of "learning."
I hate dealing with kids. I am a full time tutor.
I am a proud business owner. I don't feel accomplished.
I feel like a mature adult. I am still holding onto my inner kid.
I enjoy being there for people. I am a emotional wreck that needs a guide.
I am confident and don't mind being alone. I crave attention and praises.
I try not to judge. I talk shit and enjoy it.
I am sympathetic and overly empathetic. I am sick of people and their problems, as much as I am interested in them.

Basically, all in all, I am a mess.

But, a pat or ten in the back, because I have grown.

I stand up for myself.
I stand up for my loved ones.
I can speak for myself.
I am better at letting go.
I don't try to guard my feelings so much.
I am happier than I have ever been.
I am learning to be okay with other people's mistakes.
I am learning to take what is rightfully mine, at the same time.
I am less lazy.
I am working out more.
I am nicer to my parents.

I guess, most importantly, I am more responsible.

 So far, ever since graduation, my parents and I are learning to adjust.
I am learning to stop fighting their help, but at the same time help them understand that I am growing up and not be a bitch about it all.
They, hopefully, are learning to let me go and let me grow up and fully be the independent and capable person a part of them wished I would be.

Because I understand that I do have so much to appreciate for in my life, I truly am happier.

Even though I won't achieve all the things I want to and meant to achieve until later, I have faith that I will do well. I have faith that I will not let myself fail. Even if I fall, I will always pick myself up, cry a little, but dust off and move forward. I will not be ashamed to ask people for help. I think I was there enough for the people around me to maybe have them stay with me for a while.

I'm good.