Long Hiatus

So, my last post was last year March! hahaha

#fail.

So much has changed and I am so much more tired and ready to BE MY OWN BOSS!

As much as I appreciate structure and making a difference in a company, I truly deeply want to be in control of my life. As I get older, my happiness mostly stems from the ability to be myself. The self-conscious, approval-seeking little me still lives. But, honestly, I think I've kinda ignored her for the most part. Partly from being exhausted from commuting to LA from OC and just working and not sleeping well. Partly from just growing older and gaining somewhat of maturity.

I will unashamedly admit that a big part of my desperate wish to gain control of my life is to set my own work schedule. I am relatively lucky right now to have somewhat of a flexible work schedule. But, I want that 4 hour work week thing. I want to be able to travel whenever wherever (which also means financial freedom).

Another reason is to really taste the fruit of my labor. Working for a boss or a company just doesn't quite give me the same satisfaction. I selfishly wish for the day when I can support myself (paying rent, buying yummy food, traveling) through my projects.

Besides Spirit Ink, I'm starting another Education Tech project with friends, while I work part-time doing Marketing for a Startup, part-time tutoring, commuting 2-3 hours a day. And I will be collaborating with my best friend on a Advice blog for early twenties professionals. BF carefully suggests that I am spreading myself too thin, to which I obviously scream "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!" unreasonably. I do agree silently, but YOLO AMIRITE?

k GOTTA GO BE BUSY AND MAKING SOMETHING OUT OF MYSELF (SO I TELL MYSELF).

Finally Learning To Let Go

I am basically learning to let go of relationships that aren't working.

I am that person who usually holds on to EVERY SINGLE THING.
I hesitate before throwing away receipts. I have books from elementary school. I have all the letters, report cards, cards, pictures (that I haven't tragically lost yet. I still weep for those pics that have moved on to picture heaven), etc.

The whole process of letting things go started after graduation, I guess.
I finally threw away those pesky SAT books (even though after I threw them out, I started tutoring, of course. They could have been very useful -__-).
I finally threw away high school papers.
And I finally put an end to relationships that were either one sided or just not working out.

It takes me a lot to end friendships. But, I think i'm at that point in which I am trying to better myself constantly, and that task requires me to surround myself with good people who can guide me and support me. Some people were being shitty, and I got tired of waiting around for them to come around.

I think it's just damn time for me to say my goodbye's and move the fuck on with my life because I really deserve better.

Bye!

Reserved Optimism

Talking about my future has been one of the more uncomfortable topics recently.
Mostly because of the unsure nature of it.

But, that is not what this post is about (by the way, it is now allowed to finish your sentences with a preposition :p).

Jenn and I were talking about our future and how lost we are in our post-grad frenzy.
Even though we should be proud of our accomplishments, it is difficult to revel in that when other aspects of our lives are supposedly falling apart. An obvious exaggeration, but to us, it's just all a big shit-fest.

I am no more or less lost than other people of our generation. I have some stuff figured out, yet nothing is really figured out.

During our conversation, we got to the topic of optimism versus pessimism.
We have different views. Jenn is a person of idealism. She likes to dream and hope for the best. Such optimism brings on much pleasure and as much disappointment.
I am, what she calls, a pessimist. Even though I do agree to a certain extent, I must also disagree.
I was thinking more about it after our conversation ended, and I do not think I am a pessimist. If I were a pessimist, I wouldn't be the driven person I am today. I think I would have given up on things a long time ago. I don't expect the worst in things. I just don't expect a lot out of things. I think I am more realistic. Better yet, I think I am a reserved optimist. I approach things cautiously. But, I approach things. I approach things with much thought and enthusiasm. I don't go into things with a negative attitude.

I don't think being free of expectations automatically mean that I am expecting the worst.

I am protecting myself from extreme disappointment; but, at the same time, I am living life.

Strangely, I always just assume that everything will work out in my favor. I know that even if things do not work out in the most ideal way, it will be okay in the end. I would call that optimistic. Wouldn't you?

I am just cautious, and I don't express every single emotion I am feeling. I have always been a reserved person, unless I need to speak up or express. This aspect of my personality is one of my most valued characteristics in myself. It prevents me from hurting my loved ones' feelings. It makes my expressed feelings mean more. It helps me from becoming too overwhelmed by my feelings. It keeps me relatively in control of myself.

I think I will continue to be a reserved optimist.

Self-reflection TIME

I think I'm PMSing. lol
I'm feeling all kinds of emotions and can't sleep.
I was sleepy, but I refused to sleep to fulfill some orders for the business. And now I can't sleep.

I want to do all kinds of things.
Fun things, hard things, creative things, fabulous things, grunt things, all kinds of things.
I want to write a song.
I want to paint.
I want to shop 'til drop.
I want to be rich.
I want to travel.
I want to move out and live independently.
I want a fabulous job.
I want to not work.
I don't know what I want.

Every minute, every hour of the day, my thoughts and emotions take multiple rides on this fun rollercoaster of my life.

My life is full of polar opposites.

It's always been like that. But, it just doesn't get much easier, ever.

I love myself. I hate myself.
I appreciate my life. I hate everything my life represents.
I enjoy my friends. I resent them.
I spend money. I should save money.
I buy things. I return things.
I'm freakishly and annoyingly detail-oriented. I am fuckin' lazy.
I love and need my family. I can't deal with them, and they need me.
I want to punch some people in the face. I hate violence.
I can't wait for my next adventures. I just wish I am my "future self" already.
I love how I am still learning and growing into a better/worse person. I am sick of "learning."
I hate dealing with kids. I am a full time tutor.
I am a proud business owner. I don't feel accomplished.
I feel like a mature adult. I am still holding onto my inner kid.
I enjoy being there for people. I am a emotional wreck that needs a guide.
I am confident and don't mind being alone. I crave attention and praises.
I try not to judge. I talk shit and enjoy it.
I am sympathetic and overly empathetic. I am sick of people and their problems, as much as I am interested in them.

Basically, all in all, I am a mess.

But, a pat or ten in the back, because I have grown.

I stand up for myself.
I stand up for my loved ones.
I can speak for myself.
I am better at letting go.
I don't try to guard my feelings so much.
I am happier than I have ever been.
I am learning to be okay with other people's mistakes.
I am learning to take what is rightfully mine, at the same time.
I am less lazy.
I am working out more.
I am nicer to my parents.

I guess, most importantly, I am more responsible.

 So far, ever since graduation, my parents and I are learning to adjust.
I am learning to stop fighting their help, but at the same time help them understand that I am growing up and not be a bitch about it all.
They, hopefully, are learning to let me go and let me grow up and fully be the independent and capable person a part of them wished I would be.

Because I understand that I do have so much to appreciate for in my life, I truly am happier.

Even though I won't achieve all the things I want to and meant to achieve until later, I have faith that I will do well. I have faith that I will not let myself fail. Even if I fall, I will always pick myself up, cry a little, but dust off and move forward. I will not be ashamed to ask people for help. I think I was there enough for the people around me to maybe have them stay with me for a while.

I'm good.

Brunch date with Danica

So, I had a chance to connect with my high school gf, Danica.
Even though we weren't super close in high school, possibly due to hanging with different crowds and having different classes other than 1 business class that we met in, we recently got back in touch IN PERSON. I think I actually wrote about it. So, I'm not going to go into it much further.

Anyways, she invited me over to her house, which is actually quite far from me. But, I was excited to just chill at her house, instead of having to go to a restaurant and feel awkward about overstaying our welcome.

Since she was lovely enough to offer to cook me brunch, and knowing her I figured that she would cook up something fierce and just amazing, I decided to bring dessert. So I baked chocolate sheet cake that I found a recipe of, and it was so easy to bake and quite delicious actually.

When I got to her place, she was busy cooking up a storm of faux-french toast and just other delicious things. Let the pics speak for themselves, even though they don't do their deliciousness justice. 

It was mascarpone lemon french toast with berries & strawberry champs!

Then, we just CHATTED away. like. really.

And we got hungy from all the talking, so she cooked up ANOTHER STORM of deliciousness.

I look weird in this pic, but hahahaha OH WELL.

Happy Birthday to Dana!

Well, her birthday was 9/5, and we celebrated on the day. But, i'm lazy and yea..

We've been friends since elementary school because we came to America around the same time.

Then, we were separated when she moved to another city. Even though we were living close enough, we didn't get to hang out as much.

But, whenever we talk on the phone, we never fail to crack each other up.
She's the best at lightening my mood, and I love her for that.

So, I took her to Cheesecake Factory because she said she has actually never been!!!!
Insanity.

Since I got there earlier, I asked our server to secretly bring a cheesecake since it's her bday. He said that they sing and stuff, so EVEN BETTER!
Finally, when Dana got to the table, I casually asked her what kind of cheesecake she likes because I like a certain kind. (; COVERT! HAHAHA And she said she likes the original plain cheesecake. So, when the server came to take our order, I just pointed at the menu and asked for it.

And VOILA, by the end of our meal, he brought out the cheesecake and sang for her. She was obviously really surprised and embarrassed and happy HAHA.
WIN FOR HAYON.

Good night overall (:

Apple pie cupcakes with white chocolate frosting

I'm channeling Martha Stewart these days.
Been baking like a mad woman.

These cupcakes were a bit more work than I'm used to since I had to make a filling, but the cake was fluffy and everything was just perfect.
Became one of my favs!

Once I find the recipe again, I will upload the recipe (: